Contrary to Three Dog Night’s song, one is not the loneliest number. It’s all I have ever known. *Que tiniest violin ever.* My general reaction to the persistent questioning of “Do you have a boyfriend?” does not veer toward the direction of “Woe is me”, rather it varies the spectrum from a lukewarm “Meh” to a perplexed “Why?’ and finally an adamant “I’d rather have a job”. Job is my code word for money.
After many years enduring this torture, I have developed a method of the avoiding the madness-inducing, constant questioning about my relationship status. If I could stop, drop, and roll myself out of those awkward convos I would, but it requires a level of finesse to MacGyver your way out of these sticky situations, so no feelings are hurt and no toes are stomped on. Even if you really, REALLY want to stomp on said toes, please refrain. You’re the better person for it. Below are detailed instructions on how to cultivate singledom survival skills as illustrated by Mindy Kaling, of The Mindy Project, my favorite number one single lady to watch on the telly, and set to the anthems of TLC and Beyoncé.
This is the stage when it is all fun and games, when Ladies Night is every night! Whether you are going stag with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s at home with your Netflix queue…
Or if you are at the club with your gal pals, dancing to the beat of your own drum (even if you’re dancing off beat)—Who cares?! Take a page from Dr. Seuss: if they matter, they don’t mind; and if they mind, they don’t matter.*
For anybody out there who has ever been told that their standards were “too high”, this song is for you. Honestly, what is oh so horrible about knowing what you want and holding out for it? I’m not talking about putting your “ideal” on a pedestal above all else. Let’s stay grounded in reality people. I’m just saying, why not have a little fun** before you are stuck in a contractually-bound, marriage of convenience? Kidding! Not Kidding.
When you’re well-meaning auntie/uncle/grandma has you cornered, literally as well as figuratively, and won’t cease-and-desist with prying questions into your love life (or lack thereof), go ahead, you have my permission—Pull a Shane. In my case, “Pulling a Shane,” meant yelling, “JEREMY!” as loud as possible, catching my five-year old cousin by surprise as he was jumping off couches at a family get-together. Automatically, all eyes were on him and his rambunctious antics, allowing me to make my quick getaway. The question now is whether I can live with myself as my world continues to crumble around me just because my Sheriff best friend woke up from his coma, and I find my authority constantly challenged.***
If you feel like you need to compulsively seek out somebody to “complete” you, that might be the problem right there. Don’t believe the lies that Disney fed you your whole childhood. You should be a whole of a person, meaning you should have a clear idea of who you are—i.e. your values, morals, what you want out of life—before even thinking of taking on a relationship. So, when you do find yourself a significant other, the relationship leans more towards a complementing of wholes, rather than a melding of uncertain parts. Honestly, if you are not helping each other grow as individuals then what is the point? Then, you’re just in a codependent relationship.
Take some time to answer the question, “Am I in this relationship just because I am lonely?” If the answer is “Yes,” well, no judgments here. Maybe you are getting a steady stream of sex and/or companionship out of it. You do you. If the answer is “Maybe?” well, let me direct you to another article written by QuirkyDaily contributor, Sydney Baker, titled “Love Yourself A Little More: Why You Don’t Need a SO”.
To Review: asking about one’s relationship status is the quickest way to kill small talk. I would not be surprised if Emily Post has amended her book of etiquette to reflect how rude this is to ask. Also, chances are if these randoms asking the invasive questions are not involved enough in your life to know about the Significant Other/Soul Mate, they probably will not be getting an invite to the secret wedding either–à la Beyoncé and Jay-Z Carter.
*Unconditional Love: When you’re friends will hold back your hair after you’ve had one too many Long Island ice teas. **Safe Sex is the Best Sex. ***Never go full Shane.
Feature image: Daisy