The Different Types Of People Who Brunch

Brunch

“WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!”

These drunk girls confessed to me. Should I respond? Should I say anything back? I don’t really know these people. All I did was refill their unlimited mimosa cup. Every weekend, I hear the words “I love you” from some poor soul downing $2 champagne mixed with orange juice.

For those of you who don’t know, unlimited booze brunch is something that has taken over many big cities across the United States, especially NYC. And women love it. You pay a pre-fixed price and drink unlimited Bloody Mary’s and/or mimosas until you need to puke in the restrooms.

About a year ago, I got a part-time job serving brunch at this cute restaurant in Astoria Queens. I work two days a week with nights off, can it get any better? However, working unlimited booze brunch is a server’s worst nightmare. People are a little cranky before they drink their coffee. They try to seat themselves and they get angry if there’s a wait for a table. I mean it’s just eggs, relax. In the past year, I have noticed a trend in the kinds of  people who brunch.

1. Birthday Girl Brunch

People love to have birthday brunches. It’s their birthday and the whole day and weekend has to be about them. The table always feels very entitled. We get it, it’s your birthday! I’m not singing.

2. The “Regular” Brunchers

These are my favorite kind of people who brunch. When you see them EVERY weekend you get to develop a special type of relationship. They are usually women with adult jobs and the weekend is the only time to let loose. It’s what they have to look forward to at the end of their crazy, stressful work week. Before going back to their cubicle, Excel spreadsheets, and counting down the minutes till next week’s brunch? These people are usually good tippers and I know way too much about their personal lives.

3. Getting-Messy Brunch

These brunchers come to unlimited booze brunch with one objective and one objective only: to get messy. They show up right when brunch begins and refuse to leave until it ends. They are also the ones that will demolish their drink in one gulp, expecting you to be right there to fill up the glass again. These women leave wasted and by 7pm are experiencing a terrible hang over.  This one Sunday brunch, a girl got so drunk she threw her flip flop at the bartender and ended up drunk at a Mosque. True story.

4. Next Morning Date Brunch

Sometimes you go on a date, sleep over, and go to brunch in the morning. These guy know how to treat a lady. Instead of doing the walk of shame, you enjoy some brunch, and hope maybe he’ll call you again. He doesn’t.

5. Hungover Brunch

Crazy night last night? These folks show up to brunch looking like hot messes. Their make-up is all over their face, bags under their eyes, crazy hair. They are usually with their group of friends reminiscing about that epic night they had. They eat a lot of bacon.

6. I Didn’t Know It Was Brunch

These people come in and are annoyed you are not offering your regular menu items. Most of the time they never leave; they suck it up and order one of you signature brunch dishes. How can you not know it’s brunch? Have you been living under a rock?

7. We Know The Owner Brunch

If you really knew the owner you wouldn’t have to tell the servers. They would already know who you are. So many people come in and throw my bosses name around. Usually women who he’s hooked up with. The truth is if you were really his lady friend you wouldn’t need to tell everyone.

8. Relatives-Out-Of-Town Brunch

Your relatives are visiting so you take them to your favorite brunch spot. They are so confused. “What is brunch?” Unlimited booze brunch doesn’t happen in their small town. These brunch virgins thought they were going out to breakfast. “Why is everyone drunk.”

9. I Have an Allergy Brunch

Don’t expect to get through any brunch shift without modifying your menu. Its like anyone who is anyone has a gluten allergy. Being a vegan, it’s the hot thing to do right now. It’s the best way to diet. One of my most memorable brunch moments, this “Lovely Milk Hater” woman told me she was lactose intolerant and needed almond milk with their coffee. Then ordered herself a mac and cheese. I no longer trust anyone.

10. Gay Brunch

Ok, let’s be honest. Our gay friends and Sex In The City created brunch. I don’t know if I should thank them or hate them. Regardless, they are always up for a great time. Super sweet and always making you laugh.

Brunch isn’t Vegas, don’t act like animals.

With that said, enjoy your weekend, have fun! Get merry and be safe.

Feature image: Icantstopthinking, Creative Commons

Kristin Manna
>>>> >> Kristin is one of six kids. Her dad likes to get married. She drinks orange juice with everything. She is a horrible speller. Chocolate and peanut butter ice cream is her kryptonite. Kristin is a Stand-up comic who has performed in various clubs in NYC. Kristin has been featured in the Bridgetown Comedy Festival and Boston Comedy Festival. She is also a terrible dancer.
  • Hannahw

    This is brilliant!